You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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