Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
