she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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