the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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