My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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