What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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