i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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