If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
