The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
