Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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