didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
