Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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