My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
