we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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