evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
