dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
