can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
