All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
