Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
