this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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