I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
