saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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