who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
