dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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