I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
