This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
