Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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