why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
