my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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