Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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