i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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