Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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