I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I currently don't understand fingers.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
