how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
