I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
