my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
