I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
