watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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