Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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