He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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