allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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