Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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