If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize