Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
