Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize