Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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