I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
