I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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