When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
