god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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