so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
