My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
