I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Drunk is not a location!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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