my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
