i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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