be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
